Rage against the Commuter

To help make tomorrow journey into work more pleasant, im writing this poem which I’ll attach to a sandwich board and wear so you all know.

If you: pick up a new copy of the Metro, bend it, then put it back and pick up one you didn’t ruin I kill you.

If you: Stand next to/ infront of me when we are the ONLY 2 people on the platform, trying to get into MY door before me I kill you.

If you: Were either of the two sprinting in from each door in an attempt to beat the other to the last remaining seat I kill you.

If you: Stand on my toe I kill you.

If you: Stand on my toe and leave a mark I kill you.

If you: Leave your train intercom on playing white noise for 5 minutes I kill you.

If you: Decide to play commuter tennis in your big warm control room by making us all walk from platform to platform while the train/platform information changes back and forth I kill you.

If you: Give me a funny look or don’t look super happy to be at work when you let me through your gate and the tube station I kill you.

If you: Stand infront of me on the tube with your bag in my face I kill you.

If you: Stand infront of me on the tube with your bag crushing my newspaper I kill you.

If you: Sit next to me trying to read my paper I kill you.

If you: Sit next to me trying to read my paper, when you have your OWN paper I kill you.

If you: Sit next to me checking out the picture of Jordan in the Jungle I kill you.

If you: Stand infront of me on the tube reading MY USED PAPER over my head in my no fly zone I kill you.

If you: Are obese and squeeze yourself in to the seat next to me that’s half your width I kill you.

If you: Sit next to me, wake me from my meditation to avoid the smelly one, then try to fit for the armrest I kill you.

If you: Stand infront of me, pressing your chest out in a pathetic attempt to either make me offer you my seat, or check you out, I will then I kill you.

If you: Don’t move out of my way to allow me out of my seat or to stand up or get off the train I kill you.

If you: Break your neck to get infront of me at the escalators only to walk as fast as a snail up them I kill you.

If you: Walk up stairs slower than me I kill you.

If you: Walk slower than me I kill you.

If you: Force me to walk in your nicotine cancer riddled smog trail I kill you.

If you: Cut me up? I’ll trip you up then I kill you.

If you: Walk towards me like you own that part of the pavement and force me to move I kill you.

If you: Drive your bus past the BUS STOP without STOPPING, I’ll get a taxi, overtake then I kill you.

If you: Talk louder then the music playing in my earphones I kill you.

If you: Try to shut the lift door before I get there, even though you saw me I kill you.

If you: Use the last of the milk I kill you.

If you: Allow my PC to load slower than a Commodore +4 I kill you.

If you: Float around over my shoulder trying to read what I’m typing I kill you.

I won’t really kill you… tut